The Essential Culture of Apologizing

The Essential Culture of Apologizing

The Essential Culture of Apologizing

  • I remember a visiting friend once asked me while we were at a restaurant, why I would say “sumimasen” (sorry) when the waitress brought us food. “It feels appropriate” was my first thought. After thinking about it again, I resolved that “sumimasen” here should be read as “I’m sorry to have troubled you, but thank you,” instead of a plain translation of “sorry”.

  • The incident reminds me of an HBR article that compares the psychologies of the Japanese and the American inclination towards apologizing. The article asserts that while an apology in western thinking would imply guilt and personal responsibility regarding the wrongdoing, Japanese as well as most East Asian cultures focus on going beyond what had happened, even when the speaker was not personally responsible. The conformist quality in most East Asian cultures, and especially the Japanese, would be the reason why they tend to apologize more than Americans.

  • Simply put, an English sorry and a Japanese sorry might not mean the same thing, and the speaker’s cultural background will need to be taken into account before his/her apology can be understood as intended.
    Given their sensitive and class-conscious nature, the Japanese apologize thoughtfully yet routinely, as seen in their multiple, situation-dependent expressions:
    Sumimasen (すみません)
    “Sumimasen” is the most commonly used “sorry” in everyday life – say it as the sorry for when you have unintentionally stepped on someone. “Sumimasen” can also be used as “excuse me,” for example when you want to call a waiter in a restaurant or get out from a crowded train. And as explained above, “sumimasen” displays a sense of thankfulness.
    But we thought “arigatou” was the thank you?
    When looking at it closely, “sumimasen” – literally meaning in Japanese “it cannot be settled/ completed” (済みません) – can be the shortened forms of following two expressions:
    1. I cannot fully express my remorse for what had happened and I apologize
    2. I cannot thank you enough for going out of your way for me
    Some even go further to argue that “sumimasen” should be used to thank superiors, while “arigatou” should be directed to those at the same ranking or below.
    One thing to note: However you choose to use “sumimasen,” make sure you do not use the slang version “suimasen” at superiors due to the casualness it suggests; or worse, “suman” that you may hear on TV shows or anime (usually used by male), which is the shortened form of “sumanai” (the plain form of “sumimasen”).
    Sumimasen deshita (すみませんでした)
    A more formal version of “sumimasen” (i.e. sorry) is “sumimasen-deshita,” which you can use to a superior or after a bigger mistake than stepping on someone’s foot. The adding of “deshita” turns “sumimasen” into past tense, and can be interpreted as “I’m sorry for what I did.”
    Gomen / Gomen-nasai / Gomen-kudasai (ごめん・ごめんなさい・ごめんください)
    The kanji of “men” in “gomen” (御免) means “to forgive,” so the phrases of “gomen,” “gomen-nasai” and “gomen-kudasai” (i.e. different forms of keigo in ascending order) would give the apology a sense of admission of the wrongdoing by asking for forgiveness.
    Both “gomen-nasai” and “gomen-kudasai” are translated from Japanese to “please forgive me” and are more polite than “gomen”, which should be used to close friends and family only.
    While both “sumimasen” and “gomen-nasai” are rightly acceptable ways to say sorry, “gomen-nasai” is somewhat more preferred due to its indication of guilt, especially when facing superiors or in (relatively less serious) commercial settings.

  • Shitsurei / Shitsurei-shimasu (失礼・失礼します)
    “Shitsurei” (失礼) means rude, or literally “losing respect,” so the phrases “shitsurei” and “shitsurei-shimasu” could imply “pardon my rudeness.” “Shitsurei-shimasu” is also used when someone is dismissing his/herself from someone respectful, such as leaving a doctor’s office after a consultation.
    Shitsurei-shimashita / Shitsurei-itashimashita (失礼しました・失礼いたしました)
    “Shitsurei-shimashita” and “shitsurei-itashimashita” (keigo in ascending order) are past tense and formal versions of “shitsurei-shimasu.” These are recommended at work-related situations, and you will hear them quite often at commercial settings.
    But these were not the most solemn Japanese apologies yet…
    Moushiwake-nai / Moushiwake-arimasen / Moushiwake-gozaimasen (申し訳ない・申し訳ありません・申し訳ございません)
    “Moushiwake” (申し訳) means excuse, so the phrases “moshiwake-nai” and its keigo equivalents would mean “no excuses (can justify my actions and I apologize).”

  • “Moushiwake-gozaimasen” would be the most polite out of the three forms above but – you guessed it – the past tense will take them even further…
    Moushiwake-arimasen-deshita / Moushiwake-gozaimasen-deshita (申し訳ありませんでした・申し訳ございませんでした)
    These should be used when you are in big trouble at work; for example, you have made some fatal mistakes at a presentation. (And say it with a deep bow!)

    But, say, if these mistakes cost your company a client, the ultimate apology would be:

    Makotoni-moushiwake-gozaimasen-deshita (誠に申し訳ございませんでした)
    Which should be interpreted as “there were no excuses for my mistakes, I am totally responsible for what I have done and am sincerely apologetic.” You might hear it sometimes in public announcements, such as train delays, but daily usage of the phrase should be rare – or so I hope for all of us!